For those just tuning in, I deal with depression and anxiety. It sucks. I had sort of a set back recently so it’s been hard to focus on much. I’m literally laughing one second and crying the next. I’ve had to up my water intake to make sure I don’t get dehydrated.
At the beginning of the month, I committed to writing at least 750 words a day for at least this month. I was hoping it would help me get out of this rut and would give a chance to try out a few of my ideas on a smaller scale to see which need tweaking and which might give me the spark of creativity I’m missing right now.
Depression has sort of stolen that from me it seems. I’m finding it difficult to write more than 300 words without feeling like I’ve got nothing to add and want to scrap it. I keep pushing but I’m guessing half of what’s written will end up deleted.
My head is not a fun place to be right now. I know I’m not alone in having to deal with these issues, but I still feel in my depression. This is not to say I don’t have people to talk to. I have a great support system, but sometimes you start to feel like a burden or a bummer.
Which is why I’ve been avoiding blogging and people in general. But the more I didn’t write the more I knew I would avoid it and then what was the point of restarting? I’ll feel better eventually and then just end up in the same place. So why not just come out and say it.
Hell, maybe it will help break the shell a little.
It’s been a month, no posts. So much for a clean slate huh? But to be fair I at least have a good excuse this time…sort of.
I won’t bore you with all the details.
The big one was my laptop tried to kill me. I shit you not. See my laptop doesn’t move much. I have a desk, laptop lives there, my clumsy ass doesn’t break it. Use phone or tablet for mobile stuff like ereader, music, and stupid addictive mobile games.
So I was quite surprised to find the corner of my laptop cover cracking open a little one day. Like the bottom part of the case where the screw goes in had broken. Weird, but okay I can still use my laptop.
Until a few days later I go to start working and it feels sort of tippy and the front part of the case was now basically opened up. Massive swearing and some gorilla tape later I’m trying to figure out what the hell I did to cause such a thing.
And then I notice a sort of bump on the bottom of the case. I show Chris, since he’s a low key teach genius, and he quickly tells me to shut off the doom machine and unplug it. You see the battery is swelling. Because of course it is.
So I’m now using an old laptop Chris had kicking around. I forgot my Google password and holy shit was that a pain in the butt to recover.
But I didn’t get exploded so I’ll deal.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, last year was a clusterfuck. At least for me. It started rough and didn’t get much easier. I will admit closer to the end things were starting look a little better and I’m going to try and keep that spark of hope alive.
This year is going to be a year of change. I started small by setting some easy simple goals for myself. Write more, read more, take better care of myself mentally and physically. The hope is that these small changes will add up to something bigger. Because I have a bad habit of slipping back into my back habits, especially when my anxiety and depression show up and the doubt starts to set in.
My first step was to restart this blog…again. I know. I have to stop doing this. But I couldn’t see any other way than with a clean slate. I got tired of the shitty stuff weighing me down. Maybe eventually my sense of humor will start to show a little more if I’m not dwelling on the negative.
Also, I accidentally changed the theme when trying to tweak some settings but I liked it so I kept it. (And I couldn’t refind my old one but shush we can pretend this was all planned)
I rang in 2018 quietly with my husband playing Fallout New Vegas. Tacos and fun were had. It was perfect.
I wish you all a happy new year. Hope it brings you all happiness and it’s just plain old better than 2017 was.
Have a safe and happy holiday season. I’ll be back in 2018 ready for a fresh start.