Once again I’m not sure where exactly to start. So much happened over the past month and a half and most of it put me in a place where I just didn’t know what to say.
As I said one of my family members is quite ill right now and it’s been taking up most of my energy. It’s sort of an emotional roller coaster because you’re only given a little information at a time. Doctors just don’t seem to want to confirm anything, except we’re now looking at cancer treatments. And by looking at I mean preparing for.
I’m also trying to change a lot in my life. This and a lot of current events have put things in perspective for me and I realised that I’m not living my best life, that has to change. So I’m making 2018 my year of change. I’m just not exactly sure how that’s going to work since change is something that triggers anxiety. But I’ll have to muddle along (and get as much advice as I can).
I did not complete my NaNo project, but I did join an online writing group and through crawls and sprints I have a pretty good beginning of a novel. I just didn’t end up having enough writing time this month I suppose. But I didn’t give up so that’s an improvement over the past couple years.
Now I’m just getting ready for the holidays. I’m pretty sad we don’t have any snow yet. I don’t like the winter without snow. If I have to be cold I want everything to be all sparkly and pretty instead of just dead grass and mud everywhere.
I just emptied my drafts folder. It was full of attempts to pick back up and try and explain the silence that never seemed quite right. So I figured I would just try again and see if I finally figured it out.
There’s an illness in my family that’s taken most of my time this summer. I kept waiting for things to settle down so I could maybe explain, but as time went on it just hasn’t seemed to settle. It’s been a lot of fear and sadness, mixed with worry and confusion, plus a lot of frustration because even after all this time we have no definitive answers.
Right now I’m not going to be going into too much detail for both my sanity and their privacy sake. Also we don’t know the result of all of this yet. There’s still a lot of wait and see going on.
There have been other issues too, but they’re all minor and manageable in the grand scheme of things. I know that sounds vague but really it’s daily grind basic stuff.
And there we have it. A simple explanation that breaks through the cobwebs that have accumulated.
So it’s been awhile…again. I’ve been having some technical problems so that sort of makes it not totally my fault. Because how can you update when you’re internet isn’t working to you know, actually upload the update. So long story short, we switched providers and now have a faster (likes 12 times faster) connection.
I’ve also seemed to have developed some sort of sleep issue. I’m not getting restful sleep a night so it seems my body had decided to just pass out whenever it seems fit. Thankfully I’m always sitting at the time, but it’s still not good. I’ve literally fallen asleep drinking my coffee. I think it’s stress related.
Then there were some family health issues we were dealing with, but it seems to be all good right now.
And of course I procrastinate all the time. Which had caught up on me big time so I’m now in the midst of major re-organisation project. Nothing exciting so far. Just part of trying to get my shit together. Because in the time I’ve been away I officially became a year older, and lots of things can’t be put off any longer.
So…not that it matters now or anything, but I had made a post about why I wouldn’t be posting during April. But it seems I didn’t end up actually posting it. My only guess is that my internet had a hiccup when it was publishing. Sometimes our router takes little breaks, and I guess I didn’t notice it took one then. Serves as a good reminder about double checking.
But now I’m back. I was having an issue with some slight nerve damage in my arm that effects my hand as well. I needed to rest it so I was only working on work or my novel. Which I didn’t finish…just shy a couple thousand words. But whatever, it gave me a good start to a project and I’m continuing to working on it between everything else.
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. It’s the kick in the pants I needed to get back on the health train. I sort of fell off while dealing with some stress, my anxiety and depression acting up always leads me to start making bad choices again. But I’ve got to keep my eye on the prize and find some better coping methods, not only because I’m getting older but because we’re planning on starting a family soon and I want to be on a healthier path when I get pregnant.
I really wish I knew what I know now when I was younger and dealing with these things. It would be a lot less work now, but then again I guess all the work I put in to finding what works for me is how we got here. No work means no knowledge.
Anyway, I’m off to feed my coffee addiction and figure out how to kill off one of my characters.
With Camp NaNo starting next week I thought it was the best time to end my little hiatus. I’ve gotten some clarity and feel a lot better about a lot of things. I’m not saying everything is all better, but I’m in a better mind space at least. But I’ve realised I can’t mention things from past posts without new people becoming lost. And I’ve been trying to think of a way to address that without this becoming some sort of rambling essay about my life.
For the most part I figure people can figure out who’s who and what’s what. For the most part it’s easy to pick up. If anything is confusing I guess people can ask questions. I’m much better at answering questions about myself than just babbling about myself. Which makes having a blog even more baffling I’m sure, but what’s life without a little inconsistency? Well, I guess terrifying when my anxiety shows up to the party, but we’re working on that.
I’ve mostly just been working. Since I’m freelance I pick up whatever work when I can, and with the weather being so cold I haven’t really wanted to venture into the great outdoors more than I have to yet. I’ve also been figuring out what to do during Camp NaNo.
I was addicted to Skyrim for a bit, but I haven’t been able to play from a couple of weeks now. I’m trying to reorganise our house and I’ve been a little under the weather because of the cold weather. You would think since I was sick I would just sit and play games but my concentration would disagree with you there.
Most of my spare time will go to writing my Camp project, I think it’s going to be a collection of short stories but I’m not 100% sure just yet. I have some loose plot outlines I keep kicking about but don’t think will stretch into novels, some are interconnected so it makes sense for them to be all part of a collection. But I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.
I need a change. Like I said in my last post I was planning to change things around here, mainly I was thinking of pressing the reset button. I feel like the older posts are mostly dead weight. Since I was in a bad head space most of the time when I posted, and some of the time I was just posting because I felt like I had to put something up. And for the most part they don’t highlight anything except my anxiety and mental health.
I’m not ashamed of my mental health issues, but there is a lot more to me. There’s the wife, daughter, sister, friend. There is the woman who sings random songs whenever they pop into her head, and by random I mean like I make them up as I go along. Some people think I’m funny. And they’re not even on drugs when they tell me that.
Are there shitty things going on in my life? Yes. Sometimes they drag me down, sometimes they scare me. Sometimes they exacerbate the above mentioned issues. Sometimes I see it coming and sometimes I don’t, but I press on.
There are also good things in my life. I have a lot of plans for this year and I’m trying my best to follow through.
And more often then not I’m just dealing with the normal day to day bullshit. I work, I help my parents because they both need a little extra help from time to time, I like to try new recipes even though I’m convinced I’m a horrible cook. I play video games with my husband (and without him…but rarely since it’s a weekend only thing right now). And all around normal stuff.
I’m also a writer. I listen to music…a lot. I read…a lot. I have a lot of interests really.
And I need to get better at sharing all of this stuff on here. I had originally started blogging for my writing, and I wanted to keep it just to that…and then the rest started to creep in. When I restarted on WordPress it was supposed to be better, and I’m going to try.
So long story short. I’m still not sure about the reset. I, like most people, have no clue what I’m doing. But I’m trying to do better and be more open about it all.