Breaking the ice

Once again I’m not sure where exactly to start. So much happened over the past month and a half and most of it put me in a place where I just didn’t know what to say.

As I said one of my family members is quite ill right now and it’s been taking up most of my energy. It’s sort of an emotional roller coaster because you’re only given a little information at a time. Doctors just don’t seem to want to confirm anything, except we’re now looking at cancer treatments. And by looking at I mean preparing for.

I’m also trying to change a lot in my life. This and a lot of current events have put things in perspective for me and I realised that I’m not living my best life, that has to change. So I’m making 2018 my year of change. I’m just not exactly sure how that’s going to work since change is something that triggers anxiety. But I’ll have to muddle along (and get as much advice as I can).

I did not complete my NaNo project, but I did join an online writing group and through crawls and sprints I have a pretty good beginning of a novel. I just didn’t end up having enough writing time this month I suppose. But I didn’t give up so that’s an improvement over the past couple years.

Now I’m just getting ready for the holidays. I’m pretty sad we don’t have any snow yet. I don’t like the winter without snow. If I have to be cold I want everything to be all sparkly and pretty instead of just dead grass and mud everywhere.


Waiting for the calm that never comes

I just emptied my drafts folder. It was full of attempts to pick back up and try and explain the silence that never seemed quite right. So I figured I would just try again and see if I finally figured it out.

There’s an illness in my family that’s taken most of my time this summer. I kept waiting for things to settle down so I could maybe explain, but as time went on it just hasn’t seemed to settle. It’s been a lot of fear and sadness, mixed with worry and confusion, plus a lot of frustration because even after all this time we have no definitive answers.

Right now I’m not going to be going into too much detail for both my sanity and their privacy sake. Also we don’t know the result of all of this yet. There’s still a lot of wait and see going on.

There have been other issues too, but they’re all minor and manageable in the grand scheme of things. I know that sounds vague but really it’s daily grind basic stuff.

And there we have it. A simple explanation that breaks through the cobwebs that have accumulated.


I don’t even know what to call this

I need a change. Like I said in my last post I was planning to change things around here, mainly I was thinking of pressing the reset button. I feel like the older posts are mostly dead weight. Since I was in a bad head space most of the time when I posted, and some of the time I was just posting because I felt like I had to put something up. And for the most part they don’t highlight anything except my anxiety and mental health.

I’m not ashamed of my mental health issues, but there is a lot more to me. There’s the wife, daughter, sister, friend. There is the woman who sings random songs whenever they pop into her head, and by random I mean like I make them up as I go along. Some people think I’m funny. And they’re not even on drugs when they tell me that.

Are there shitty things going on in my life? Yes. Sometimes they drag me down, sometimes they scare me. ¬†Sometimes they exacerbate the above mentioned issues. Sometimes I see it coming and sometimes I don’t, but I press on.

There are also good things in my life. I have a lot of plans for this year and I’m trying my best to follow through.

And more often then not I’m just dealing with the normal day to day bullshit. ¬†I work, I help my parents because they both need a little extra help from time to time, I like to try new recipes even though I’m convinced I’m a horrible cook. I play video games with my husband (and without him…but rarely since it’s a weekend only thing right now). And all around normal stuff.

I’m also a writer. I listen to music…a lot. I read…a lot. I have a lot of interests really.

And I need to get better at sharing all of this stuff on here. I had originally started blogging for my writing, and I wanted to keep it just to that…and then the rest started to creep in. When I restarted on WordPress it was supposed to be better, and I’m going to try.

So long story short. I’m still not sure about the reset. I, like most people, have no clue what I’m doing. But I’m trying to do better and be more open about it all.